Tag: armageddon

Earth Day freebies

Happy Earth Day, all. I feel so appreciated.

It appears Earth Day has become yet another way to sell more stuff. Huzzah. At the train station, Colleen from Clear Channel handed me a green “Commuter Appreciation Day” shopping bag stuffed with coupons and product samples. Subway, the Harlem Globetrotters, Vaseline, etc all let me know how much they appreciate my ‘green’ commute by handing out discounts.

I’m glad for the appreciation, because we’re all about to die. A little earlier this morning, Tom sat across the aisle from me on the bus warning me of impending doom. The sea level has already risen eight inches this morning in San Francisco Bay because of the glacier melt from “that volcano in Greenland” (8 inches!! Read up on tides and ocean swell, Tom).

Volcanic lightning at Eyjafjallajokul (“There’s photographic proof!“) portends cataclysmic geomagnetic reversal, and volcanoes will soon erupt in Australia (the antipode of Iceland, according to Tom, though Tom used smaller words and more profane language).

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Tom hinted Iceland Greenland and Australia will swap places, which means they’ll need to rename the Tour Down Under. This also makes travel to the 2012 Tour de France much easier for the Fly V Australia pro team, and Giro d’Italia organizers are already talking about a Giro Prologue in Reykjavik, New South Wales.

I told Tom that he needed to keep it quiet, but I’m on my way to work at the NASA Ames Research Center in Mountain View on a top secret project to drill to the earth’s core. We’re using an unobtainium boring machine and nuclear explosives to set things right. Rest easy and know the government has it all under control.